You are too sensitive!

Has your partner ever told you, “You are too sensitive”?

Well, let’s be more precise about this; Has your partner repeatedly told you that you are overly sensitive? Because chances are, if he has told you once, he has said it a thousand times.

Why?

We will get to that in a moment. First, let’s tackle the really important question: How has that left you feeling?

How does it feel to be labeled “overly sensitive”?

Clearly, I don’t know you, and I can’t know how you think, but I guess it leaves you feeling small, needy, pathetic, and very, very flawed. It can also make you feel insecure in your relationship. Accusing another person of being “overly sensitive” tends to make them feel as if their partner has exposed a very dark, immature, and unpleasant feeling at the very heart of their being.

In short, it makes them feel like they are unloved.

It can make them question the value of their relationship.

There is a reason for this. Calling someone “overly sensitive” is not just a throwaway comment, triggered by frustration; it is, in reality, a well calculated barb with a poisonous hidden agenda.

“You are too sensitive” is a code

“You are too sensitive” is the code; a code that, I suspect, you have not translated correctly so far. If he had, he probably wouldn’t have given his accuser a chance to hit him with that well-sharpened spike, over and over again.

“But”, you might object, “I am very sensitive.” You might even say, “I’m too sensitive.”

Here is a distinction that we must clarify. When you say that you are ‘too sensitive’, or even ‘too sensitive’, what you really mean is this: “I can feel hurt very easily; it doesn’t take much. I really wish it wasn’t, but it is. No There seems to be a lot I can do about it. “

Acknowledging the acuity of your sensitivity tends to be something of an apology. I wish I could change it, but you can’t; at least not with the tools currently available.

When a partner, or another close person, tells you that you are “too sensitive”, it is apparently because they wish you could change. Not that they are offering you clues as to how you could reduce that sensitivity. They don’t really know how that sensitivity can be reduced; they don’t even care. As much as they criticize you for it, your sensitivity fits very well with their agenda. But they are in no rush to admit it.

Why do they say it?

Think for a moment about the circumstances in which you have been told that you are overly sensitive. It most likely happens when you feel hurt by something they said; or something they did or didn’t do. If you had been “less sensitive”, they think, you would not have reacted. In other words, it would have simply “moved on” and saved them the trouble of having to consider their feelings.

This is true for other circumstances where your “hypersensitivity” means that you would like to receive comfort or reassurance.

That is not what your partner, or someone else close to you, had in mind.

When they say, “You are too sensitive,” what they really mean is this: “Please don’t tell me about your feelings, I don’t want to hear about them.” There is also more, and there is nothing better.

“You are too sensitive” is short for; “I’m really not ready to take their feelings into account. In fact, it bothers me a lot that I visit them. As far as I’m concerned, this is the way I think our relationship should work: I can say whatever I want to you. , and you will go ahead and deal with it, without making a fuss and without trying to make me feel bad about it. What’s wrong with you, anyway? “

“What’s the matter with you, anyway?”

The question, “What’s wrong with you, anyway?” It is the key to your partner’s thinking. There must be something wrong with you, or else you would respond to whatever they say or do exactly the way they want you to respond. In other words, what they wanted was not an answer from you. Whatever it was, they hoped it would allow them to “get away with it.” And you didn’t.

It’s not like he’s taking a firm stand; any goal. A firm stance would have meant saying, “This is unacceptable.” Then you would become scarce, as far as they are concerned. His accuser would duly get the message that he was misplaced and would need to clean up his act or else he would lose it.

Whether or not they would clean up their act is another story. But if it meant the early end of a damaging relationship that was destined to end in unhappiness anyway, then your steadfast position has paid off. It has saved you time and suffering. And if it focused their mind and led them to behave better in the future, even better.

“Oh, don’t do that!”

But simply asking your accuser to behave and / or talk to you, differently, is as ineffective as telling a child, “Oh, don’t do that!” All it conveys is your weakness and your reluctance to act.

It leaves its accuser free to repeat the pattern over and over again. He will continue to speak and act as he pleases and, when you object, he will reproach you, again, for ‘being too sensitive’. With that simple phrase, he has blamed you for the pain of the situation. With a simple trick of the mouth, he has blamed you for the situation, so he comes out smelling of roses. Or, at least, the closest thing to smelling like roses you can get.

How did you come to have a messy relationship like that in the first place?

Here’s the irony: It happened, in part, because of his sensitivity. Not that there is anything wrong with being sensitive; There is not. However, his accuser has a finely tuned nose and can smell sensitivity from a mile away. He or she knows that they can exploit that sensitivity to control another person. They know how to do that, as you know, at your expense.

So what will you do differently regarding your sensitivity in the future?

First, you become much more vigilant; you learn that someone who is willing to ignore your “sensitivity” is telling you that they will totally and completely ignore your feelings. You give those people a wide margin. Second, you learn to honor and manage that sensitivity; Treat him with respect and other people will treat you with respect too.