How often should I see my husband while we are apart?

I often hear from people looking for suggestions or advice on how to set up a martial or trial separation. Many simply don’t know what to expect. And they want to make sure that they are doing things as close to the right thing as possible so that they have the best chance of saving their marriage. They are afraid of overstepping the limits and of not going far enough. They worry that they will try too hard or not enough. And these things can feel very awkward because navigating a separation is hard enough without worrying about the etiquette involved.

I heard from a wife who said, “My husband is moving in with his cousin for a while because he wants to try a trial separation. His cousin lives an hour and a half away. I wonder how often you’re supposed to see your spouse?” while you’re apart? How often are you supposed to call? Are you supposed to go on dates? Or do you leave your spouse alone? Forgive me if I sound stupid, but I have no idea what the proper separation etiquette is. I want to watch it as much as possible, but I don’t want to push too hard.”

The thing is, there really isn’t a separation label or rule book that talks about the right or wrong way to handle your separation. Rather, it’s usually about finding that happy medium where both people feel comfortable and as receptive as possible to saving the marriage. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.

Don’t worry about right or wrong. Worry about what works best for both of you: Some couples will be apart for a very short time and find that they miss each other a lot and want to spend more time together right away. You may hear people advise you to play hard to get or not get too anxious too soon. This type of advice has its place. But I don’t see anything wrong with seeing your spouse regularly if you both clearly want to see each other, things are going well, and you enjoy each other’s company. That being said, there is a risk of getting so caught up in the missing your spouse part that you are not addressing what led to the separation in the first place.

Sometimes you find that one partner wants a lot of contact and the other isn’t sure how comfortable they are with this and wants some alone time, especially in the beginning. This is fine, and it’s best not to push too hard when your spouse wants space. Give them some time to miss you instead of letting them think you’re bothering them so much that even when you’re apart, they don’t get the time they asked for.

There is a balance between too much union and not enough: As I just mentioned, some people ask me if they should play tough. Many people fear rejection, so they wonder if maybe they should get their spouse closer to them. Many ask me if they should ignore their spouse or pretend that they are doing other things. In general, I think it can be okay to give the impression that you’re dealing with the situation or busy, but you don’t want to take this too far and imply that you don’t have time for your spouse when you really do.

At the same time, if you notice any resistance from your spouse when you call, want to meet or communicate with him, then pay attention to those signs and maybe see if he will contact you next time. There is a very delicate balance between not being too available and not being available enough. One of the real goals of a separation is to see if space and time make you miss each other, intensify your feelings, and clarify your desires. Allow this process to run its course. If you don’t give your spouse the time to experience these things, you may both end up frustrated and thinking that the separation was a failure when that doesn’t have to be the case.

So how often should you see your spouse during the separation?: There is not an answer for every couple. It is best to ask your spouse how she feels on this issue before you actually leave. It’s usually easier to make your expectations clear ahead of time, before any discomfort or misunderstanding arises.

However, if you have not established an understanding ahead of time, then you will have to feel your way. I think it’s important to talk (and preferably meet) on a regular basis. This doesn’t have to be every day, but every week can be good. You don’t want to wait so long for things to get awkward between you. And, if you encounter some resistance, wait until things get better and take care of other things until next time. Often this will generate some interest from your spouse. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are always the aggressor, but make it clear that you are still involved in your marriage and that you can and will make the time.

At the end of the day, how often you see your spouse depends on both of your wishes. He may want less and you want more, and that’s why there are compromises. Try to move slowly and build on each successful interaction. You don’t want to appear overly eager, but you don’t want to let too much time pass between these interactions.

I sometimes tell couples that they will usually know when the pace is right because both people are comfortable and eager to see each other next time. When you find that your spouse is avoiding you or making excuses, then it might be time to reevaluate. But if your spouse is receptive to your request to meet and you both feel comfortable and happy, then there’s no need to play games.

So to me, the answer to the question is that it’s okay to see your spouse as often as you both feel comfortable with. But, if there is any resistance, it is better to back off until things start to improve.