A reminder of Dale Carnegie
When was the last time you complained about something, about anything? I know when mine was. Ten minutes ago I had the first of many negative thoughts about not wanting to be grading tests today. Really, they are hijacking my peace of mind. On a beautiful sunny day in Perth, here I am in my office, a slave to the chore that has consumed the last two days of my life. Question after question, answer after answer, and it all sounds the same to me. I feel like I’m losing my mind. When is it all going to end? In short I know, but I don’t want to have to wait. Also, I am enjoying my moment of endurance. It reinforces that I have better things to do with my life, but right now?
Life’s circumstances make me laugh sometimes. I just looked at my daily calendar and the quote below made perfect sense because it appeared at the perfect time. It said simply ‘Don’t criticize, condemn or complain’ – Dale Carnegie. What wisdom of the great man who brought us the classic text How to win friends and influence people. So simple in its message and yet so difficult to practice, right? It depends on where we come from within ourselves, I think.
For many of us, complaining is a way of life. We complain about work, the weather, our partner, our children, our neighbors, our parents, the economy, our friends, our health, and our lack of wealth. Whatever doesn’t work in our lives, we complain and when you consider that we can never have everything in balance all the time, there are many complaints. But where does it really take us? I mean think about it. As long as we complain in our own mind or with other people we interact with, the things we complain about do not change. They stay as they are and we react negatively.
For those things that we do not like and that are in our power to control, it would make more sense to act than to keep complaining. Capable of influencing the situation, that negativity is what we can alleviate or even eradicate if we really want to. The question then is whether we really want to stop complaining, even if the things we complain about fall outside of our sphere of influence. This is a good question and offers a less than obvious answer.
In my experience, many people get a secondary reward for complaining that allows them to feel somehow superior or justified in taking the position they do have. Living from the ego, our paradigm becomes one of rights. Looking at the world through this lens we believe that it must deliver what we want and if not, then we have reason to complain that the branches of life have not bent under the force of our breath. The victim’s thinking reflects this in many ways. Scream that the world has been cruel to me and that I have no choice but to oppose it. But how accurate is this really? Is it not more a dysfunctional paradigm than a cold and hostile world for those who believe that they are the center of the universe?
All forms of complaining, complaining, and complaining are born of helplessness. They are powerless acts that serve no valid purpose in the world. Born of immaturity, they are the ones that lead to a regression of consciousness the moment they are practiced. Often when we think that we are gaining ground in the world, we are actually losing it, but we cannot see this because we live inside our head and not in the world as it is.
Acceptance is one of the highest forms of surrender. By allowing us to see the world as it is and ourselves as an interdependent part of the whole, its virtue is truly valuable. By viewing the world in this way we leave alone the illusion that the world must somehow bend to our whim. Perfect as it is, it is where we can move happily and harmoniously, free from the egoic desire to make it conform to the superficial expectations of our petty selves.
The higher self, free from this desire to make the world conform, offers no apologies or complaints. By finding life in the moment, you are grateful for all that you experience. Welcoming peace is what fills the heart before giving clarity to the mind. Continually, the ego wants more of what gives it strength and therefore leads us to complain about not having what we want when we want it.
It is no accident that most people complain about superficial things like money, possessions, the government and the economy, the physical appearance and behavior of others. We say ‘I never have enough money’ or ‘Why do things cost so much?’ We look at ourselves and want to change what we see based on what an outside source has said. ‘My body is not in the correct shape. If only he was taller and slimmer, then he would be beautiful, ‘we say to ourselves regretfully. We oppose the powers established by the undue demands that we perceive they are imposing on us. In this sense, our internal dialogue could be: ‘I pay too much taxes and what does the government do for me? They make it very difficult to get ahead. How am I going to get by living like this? ‘
The ego’s goal is to obtain, control, and please. You want to gather and enjoy more of what you don’t have, and you want to control those who have the ability to provide you with what you want most. This is why we take so much offense at those whom we cannot control. Unable to get them to do what we want for our benefit, we condemn their resistance and at the same time ignore our own.
If we were happy and fulfilled people, we would not allow ourselves to be carried away by the primitive desires of the lower self. Content within ourselves, we would not need to criticize, condemn or complain. See here that these are the different faces of the same dysfunction, being the separation of the spirit. Thinking that we are the ego, we express their disgust as our own, but what we lose when we do this is an experience of the authentic self that focuses on being pure and loving appreciation.
In a moment of genuine love, there is always enough of what is before you. Whether it is a person, an object, or a landscape, there is nothing more that is needed in that experience to feel complete. Everything perfect in the world is full of joy, not because we are blind or naive, but because we are aware that the choice between war and peace is ours. Will we be in this moment and allow him to give his gift, or will we resist and make his offering a burden to carry?
By complaining about my marking duties, I was choosing to suffer rather than dedicate myself to the task. Wishing the moment to be different, he somehow wished to be stimulated or entertained in a way that the marking could not provide. Finding that task boring, I did not want to serve but to be served. Although it was what I was getting paid for, it was what I wanted to escape because it did not promise the satisfaction that other more “pleasant” activities would have given me.
Wanting to surf the web and grab a snack at the staff bar, I was tempted by the desire to procrastinate, which pleased me by stopping what I was doing to complain. Wanting some relief, I didn’t find him complaining, because what I was resisting sat quietly there waiting for me to gather the courage to do what I knew was my duty. By complaining, I took the easy option and lost momentum in the process. Building towards the end before my concentration was broken, I wasted the opportunity to grow through that task, choosing instead to waste my energy postponing the inevitable.
In the end, I realized it and moved on. Having a deadline to meet, he was an unlikely savior, forcing me to overcome my resistance. By completing the task half an hour before the deadline, I had made things more difficult than necessary. With fewer complaints and more work, I could have finished homework much earlier and saved myself a lot of stress that revolved around the question, ‘Was I going to finish my grade on time or not?’
This is the other hidden cost involved when we continually complain. By perpetually resisting the world and cursing that things are not the way we would like them to be, we create a hostile environment within the body that makes us prone to illness and lethargy. It takes an enormous amount of energy to participate in endurance. Warning us mentally, emotionally and physically, it is negativity that comes to characterize our state when we choose against the good and the flow by which it moves in the world.
Any negativity I was feeling when I was marking papers was only compounded by my complaints about my work. Pushing myself deeper into my resistance was what kept me from acknowledging all that I had to be thankful for in the situation. Blessed with a really good position and the ability to help others achieve their goals in life, this was what I was blind to when I selfishly focused on what I wanted above all else.
Only when I was able to get some perspective in time was I able to see how much the ego contributed to the suffering I invited in that situation. In this, I am not blaming the ego because I fully understand that I failed to exercise my responsibility wisely, which led me to abuse my position of power. Being not only the power that I found in my official role, it was my spiritual power that was repressed by my decision to speak on behalf of the ego. We always speak for the ego when we complain. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t have to give voice to our helplessness. Being a complaint a mere cry for worldly attention, it is not what the spirit requires, because eternally validated it never fails to be heard by the benevolent universal power that abundantly shares its treasure with all that tirelessly pleads for love.
It is never the case that life causes us to lose our greatest source of power. We can choose to complain or we can choose not to. At the same time, we can choose whether to resist or surrender. What we choose will depend on where we come from within ourselves. This is what drives the state of our lives. The complaints themselves are not the root of the problem. It is a mere symptom that points to a deeper illness that poisons our life experience.
Leaders don’t complain, they act. Working to bring out the best in others, they know that they cannot inspire while expressing negativity. Nobody likes to associate with cynics and complainers, so why be one when you can be an example to others who long to live their best life?
Let complainers talk to each other, but don’t let them influence your life experience. Learn to find the good in what others complain about. Nothing is what it seems at first glance. Spirit teaches you that you have a lot to be thankful for. Look for this and make it define your life. See the best in everything and let peace, love and joy fill the void that is the real cause of your complaint.