5 Keys to Soulful Sex: The Stare Meditation
5 keys to deep intimacy and soulful sex
- The greeting of the heart
- The bubble
- Desires, Fears and Limits
- Practice looking into the eyes
- Share your ideas
A timeless practice
The eyes are the windows to the soul”. When we look deeply into the eyes of another person, we can see beyond their physical body and personality into their essence. The practice of looking into the eyes is an ancient practice found in both Hindu and Buddhist tantra, as well as the Sufi tradition. This practice is considered a path to enlightenment. It is a wonderful way to connect on a soul level. It can be done with your beloved before and during sex.
Looking into the eyes is something you probably did naturally while looking into the eyes of a newborn baby or when you first fell in love. Even when you’re in a conversation and you maintain eye contact, you’re doing a less focused way of looking at each other’s eyes. Eye gazing can be done as a one-on-one meditation with a friend or loved one. It can also be done alone, looking in a mirror. You can integrate it into daily life by engaging people briefly, in passing, with the intention that when you look into their eyes you see beyond their form, into their essence. Some of the benefits of this practice include: being more present, opening your heart, and expanding your awareness of the Divine in all beings.
The greeting of the heart
Begin this practice by acknowledging the Divine in each other with a Salutation to the Heart. Sit across from your partner and look him in the eye. Maintaining eye contact throughout the rest of the process, begin by extending your arms toward the ground, palms together. Then, inhale and keeping your hands in a prayer position, bring them to your heart. Exhale, as you lean forward and acknowledge the Divine in each other with the Sanskrit greeting “Namaste,” which means “I honor the Divine in you as a reflection of the Divine within me.” Inhale as you straighten up. Finally, exhale as you allow your hands to return to the starting position, pointing toward the ground.
The bubble
Now create a bubble around you and your partner. Do this by waving your arms around each other defining the shape of the bubble that surrounds them. Then make gestures, such as taking an object out of your bubble, and verbally say out loud what you are taking out of the bubble. These are things that will not serve you well in this practice (the past, distractions, anger, worry, etc.). Next, gesture and indicate what things you want to bring to the bubble. These are things that will enhance your connection (love, willingness, presence, trust, etc.). At this point, you may want to offer an appreciation or blessing to the other person (“I honor your heart, which gives so much love to the world.”) Creating the bubble helps to call you into present moment awareness and creates a safe space in which to practice gaze meditation.
Share your desires, fears and limits
Once the bubble is created, share your intentions/desires, fears and limits related to this practice. First, one person speaks while the other listens without judging or commenting. Then you switch roles. Here is an example:
“I wish to be present, to open up and connect deeply with your soul.”
“My fear is that I will become self-conscious and start acting like a fool.”
“My limit is to stay connected with you, even if resistance arises.”
Why limits? When I teach this practice in my classes, people are often resistant to setting limits. I explain that limits are not walls, they are bridges. Bridges help bring people together. Intimacy occurs when people have “healthy” boundaries. Healthy boundaries allow you to feel safe, stay open, and be present. Limits are dynamic, so it is important to check in with yourself periodically to see if your limits have changed. If they have changed, update your partner so they can respect your new boundaries. Here are some examples:
“I need to finish this practice by noon.”
“I don’t want to be touched during this meditation.”
“I promise to stay present for this practice. If I think about it, I’ll close my eyes for a moment and go back to practice.”
Practice looking into the eyes
Once you have created the bubble and shared your desires, fears and limits, begin the practice of looking into the eyes. Traditionally, it is recommended that you start by staring into your left eye. This is because the left side of the body is considered the receiving side. Use a soft gauze. This is not a staring contest. It’s okay to change eyes as long as you feel called too. Just relax, breathe and allow the experience to unfold. Notice what comes up without judging it. Be open and curious, like a child.
You can do this practice as long as you want. I suggest you start with 2-5 minutes of looking into the eyes the first time you try it. Then close your eyes, go inside and reconnect internally for 1-2 minutes. When you’re ready, open your eyes and start over. Extend the time as you become more comfortable with the process. Doing this practice for an extended period of time can take you to new levels of connection. Set aside a time where you can practice for 45 to 60 minutes. Looking into the eyes is a great way to find out how open you are and to notice when resistance arises. If you feel resistance, let it be there. Sit it down and see if you can allow it to melt.
Share your ideas
Then discuss your experience with your partner. How does it feel to be seen? How does it feel to look deeply at another person? Are you able to see beyond his body and personality? Did you notice his face change shape? Did you feel your heart open? This is a great practice for developing intimacy. It may be helpful to keep a journal of your experiences.
Looking into the eyes is a simple and powerful practice. He cuts the illusion and opens the door to the Truth. When done regularly, it can transform your understanding of who you are. Even if this is the only tantric practice you do, you can Awaken only through it. I invite you to practice looking into the eyes with your friends and lovers. When done before and during sex, eye gazing can enhance your connection both sexually and spiritually, making love becomes a powerful meditation.
For more information on Tantra and Sacred Sex, please see my other articles.