Why the relationship of trust is a two-way street

Trust can be the glue that helps create a strong bond in a love relationship or marriage.

It can also be the weak point around which a partner feels vulnerable, tense, angry or disconnected.

Trust issues can arise after a betrayal like infidelity. But they can also arise when communication between the two people in a relationship is confused or missing in some way.

Sometimes one person in a relationship has “rules” or particular beliefs and understandings about trust that are very different from what the other person has. This discrepancy, if not spoken, can lead to distance between two people.

Trust is very much a two-way street.

There has to be some level of understanding about each other’s rules of trust. Strong trust also requires that both people in the relationship follow through on agreements, even if one has betrayed the trust and the other has not.

Jenny confesses to her friends that she checks her boyfriend Paul’s private email account. She says that she trusts him, but she also knows that he was a “womanizer” before they started dating.

Because Paul has dated many women and cheated on several of them, Jenny is nervous that he will cheat again. Jenny knows very well that Paul keeps in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends because she spies on her email account.

He has even read the emails of these women to make sure there is no evidence that he is trying to meet with any of them. All this spying has left Jenny feeling more insecure about Paul’s commitment to her and her relationship. She wishes she could trust him, but her continued communication with her ex-girlfriends leaves her with even more doubts.

What are your trust rules?

When you think about trust in your relationship, what does that mean to you? Trust is a very complex, multifaceted word and can mean different things to different people.

For example, you can define trust as believing what your partner says no matter what. You don’t have to question or second-guess what he or she says, if the trust is strong.

Or you might view trust as something to be tested over and over again. Perhaps you are more cautious and feel like you can’t take anything for granted, even if it means you have to double check what your partner is saying from time to time.

You and your partner don’t have to approach trust in exactly the same way, and you don’t need to keep the same trust rules.

What you should do is be clear about what you believe and require at this time in your life. You also need to know how your partner views trust, and then look for places of overlap between their potentially different views.

One of Jenny’s close friends asks her some tough questions. The friend wonders how Jenny and Paul can learn to trust each other if Jenny feels that she has to resort to espionage to trust him. “Is this really trust?” the friend asks. Is Jenny only deepening mistrust through spying on her?

These questions make Jenny stop and think. She desperately wants this relationship with Paul to work. And she desperately wants to trust him. She had never considered that her espionage is possibly driving them further apart.

Jenny begins to think of her own trust rules. She would really like to get to a point where she doesn’t spy and she takes what Paul says at face value.

What trust agreements can they make and keep?

Confidence can be misleading because it is something like an act of faith. We do not recommend that anyone take this jump without being fully conscious and awake.

If there are signs that what your partner says doesn’t “fit” or doesn’t seem consistent, then look for more evidence and ask for more information. We do not suggest spying in almost all cases. Spying erodes trust almost as fast as infidelity does.

Create trust agreements with your partner based on the trust rules and beliefs that you both have. Make sure the agreements you make are agreements that both of you can keep.

Even if your partner has a history of cheating, like Paul in the scenario above, both of you should follow the trust agreements you make. If Jenny and Paul agree to be honest and open about their relationship, it means Jenny can’t keep spying on him and keep the agreement.

If you find yourself fearing that your partner is cheating on you or betraying you in some way, go back to your trust agreements. See if there’s a way to preserve trust by keeping the agreements you’ve made while also getting the information you need to address your fears.

Keep in mind that sometimes the best way to deal with fears or jealousy is to check inside yourself to see if your emotions are really linked to past experiences. Come to the present moment and trust what you know to be true rather than guesswork or assumptions.

Know that when you speak clearly and honestly about trust and each other follows your agreements, you can rebuild trust even in the most difficult circumstances. She takes the leap with her eyes and her heart wide open.