When you love someone who doesn’t love you, do you die a little bit every day?
When did it happen, how did it happen? You are in a relationship that you think is wonderful and then you realize that the one you love doesn’t love you too? Is it a sudden realization? You may suddenly accept the truth, but it has been going on for longer than most want to admit.
When we truly believe that we are in a loving relationship, we relax, trust, and feel comfortable. We assume that our partner feels exactly as usual; and so we accept the changes, which may have been subtle. We attribute them to one of their bad or strange habits. We ignore the caution signs and may not “get it” until we come to a complete stop sign.
What we should never miss are the internal signs of trouble in our relationship. The shock at our partners’ negative statement about us to friends or publicly, the disrespect for our opinions or things that matter to us, the tears that resulted, and even the lack of regard for tears.
These are all signs that our inner selves have recognized that something great is happening. And yet we do not stop to examine why. We swallow the pain, start a regimen of forgiving bad behavior, and consciously we don’t seem to realize that every time it happens, little pieces of our heart have been taken away from us. A small part of us dies every time we experiment and ignore the signs that it’s over.
How do we recognize that something definite is happening? Our innate, the ‘intelligent body’ that surrounds us, is in contact long before our mind accepts it. And so we begin a grieving process that we all recognize.
1) Shock and denial: we are shocked by inappropriate responses or actions; and we deny that it means anything serious. We feel the pain, the anguish and the fear that gnaws; but denial is not far behind. It just can’t mean what it seems to mean.
2) Pain and guilt: we all know when it hurts; the pain is undeniable. At first, we mixed this with shock. And then the guilt trip begins; it must be our fault; We must have done something to make our partner act this way, to make him feel the way they insist they feel.
3) Anger and negotiation: once we have carefully examined the facts, something that we cannot do at the beginning of this process due to the emotions involved, we realize that it is not something that we have done. And finally, we get angry. What is anger? It is the mask that fear wears; the fear is that our partner doesn’t really care. They may even have expressed it at this point. At the very least, they begin to not care about the things that previously mattered to them. Negotiation; they are the efforts we make to see why our partner has changed and what we can do to make them love us again. Lose weight, give them more freedom, treat them better … a series of imaginary flaws that we are sure we can correct so that things ‘go back to where they used to be’.
These are the same emotions that we experience when an actual death occurs. The difference is that it is a part of us that has died. The long, slow process of dying started the moment denial entered the relationship. A quick and safe ending, which can be more shocking and painful, but much less damaging to your psyche; it is no longer an option.
Why does this happen to us? Because we don’t want to feel the pain; we do not want to accept that someone who loved us no longer does. Or that they may never have really loved us. It happens when we put on our blinders and ignore the obvious signs. We just don’t want to accept that a relationship that we were sure was so good, that it made us feel so good, is over. But it has.
The longer we stay in these kinds of relationships, the more damage is inflicted on us. It is like a terminal illness; it slowly destroys your self-esteem, your confidence, your health, and ultimately, your ability to feel normal in any relationship, even with family or friends.
What is the treatment for this?
Be aware; promise never to look away again when there are obvious signs on the horizon.
Face problems and ask questions; Don’t let the fear that your partner doesn’t really care divert you from asking questions about abnormal things in your relationship. Ask until you get credible and acceptable answers. Don’t ignore your “gut” or primal instincts. That is the voice of your ‘higher self’, always honest and on your side.
Don’t make a deal to ‘get them back’. If they have left emotionally, don’t volunteer to be a doormat that absorbs only the worst of who they are capable of being. When someone is removed from our life, there is a good reason for it. Don’t run after them.
Be quiet; Find a quiet place and ask the forbidden question … ‘What’s in this for you?’ Is that selfish? It is, and necessarily so. You have to stand firmly in your own corner if you want to be represented in the fight to stop the damage. If you can see the facts, without emotion, you will recognize that it is over. Understand that the best has already been; it only gets worse from here.
Assess the damage; you may be surprised to see what the cost has been. The best parts of you have literally been dying a little with each denial of the facts. Know what has been damaged and make a determination not to allow further injury to occur.
Let it go; It is the only way out. What is dead is dead. Acknowledge this and let it go. At this point, you are holding on to a myth. And it is not a fairy tale.
Now something funny is starting to happen; you enter the final stages of grief; experiences an upward roll when released. You start to acknowledge that it is over and work through the process to leave completely. And finally, there is acceptance that there is something more within you than the parts of you that have died; and you experience hope again. I look forward to a new beginning, a better tomorrow, and healing for you.
Don’t be uncompromising in this situation. Choose to rise from the ashes and live and love again.