peace begins at home

While it is easy to talk about, teaching peace is not so easy to do. The prerequisite is learning to make peace in our own lives. “We teach best what we most need to learn,” writes Richard Bach in Delusions. That’s because we subconsciously focus on what causes us problems; and motivated to learn about it. For example, if the lack of peace – anxiety, anger, addiction or relationship problems – is a problem, your life will constantly confront you with the need to learn to be calmer. Anyone who doesn’t live up to your expectations can trigger a turmoil of one kind or another, and internal turmoil causes a backlash.

In my counseling office, I am constantly reminded of how difficult it seems to be for most people to keep the peace, what twelve-step (AA) programs call “poise.” We are all easily deviated from the center. I also see how powerful it is to maintain a peaceful (or serene) emotional climate in the midst of an upsetting circumstance. The calmest person is also the one who thinks most clearly and can therefore control what happens. People in high-pressure situations, such as military and medical personnel, police, firefighters, and rescue workers, are trained to maintain a calm demeanor. It makes them more effective.

Inner peace is the key to keeping all relationships on track. Throughout my life, I have discovered that maintaining my inner balance not only prevents me from making things worse in bad situations, but also makes others calmer.

Every day I am reminded of the importance of inner peace, a peaceful relationship with myself and keeping peace in my private universe. Without this inner serenity, I am not very powerful in creating peace in the environment around me. I find that whenever I am agitated, especially when the agitation seems to be caused by an event or another person, the effective solution begins with establishing peace within myself. Here’s the idea I use to help myself and my clients do that:

I have my own sphere of influence, my own private “universe” that I can imagine as an invisible protective membrane around me; something like the invisible glass box that mimes often create around them. All other people and events are outside of this boundary, but are visible and accessible through it. I can “send messages” in the form of words and deeds, subtle body movements and facial expressions, across the boundary, and other people can send me theirs. I have little control over what people choose to send me and full control over what I choose to send. However, I do have control over how I receive what other people choose to send me.

For example, if my husband, Richard, sends off a bit of a bad mood, I have very little control over what he says or does. He maybe he’s upset about something that happened in his business, or worried about someone he cares about, and he feels safe letting his frustration out around me. There is little to be gained by trying to read his mind or change his attitude. However, if I remember that I am the Supreme Power in my own sphere, I have many options.

• I can choose to believe that his bad mood is something I deserve and feel hurt.

• I can choose to believe that he sent it because he is a bad person and shut down my love for him.

• I can choose to believe that he is sorry because of a separate event in his private world, and check to see what is happening to him and if I can help him.

• I can choose to take care of myself and put some distance between us, until things calm down.

• I can just react without thinking and not make any decisions at all.

Through experience, I soon learn which options give me the results I want. Once I know that, I can choose to repeat successful options at will. Richard has, and often uses, the same options.

The key word here is choice. As long as I know that my response to the stimulus is a choice, I can create peace. Once I decide that the atmosphere I want most in my own world is one of peace, then I create the power to ensure that.

The question I must answer is: “What is peace to me?” It is easy, given our social environment, to think that creating peace with others is making war with myself. For example, I may believe that in order to create peace with Richard, I need to deny my own desires and feelings. That sets up an internal struggle, which inevitably surfaces externally. Sooner or later I’ll get mad enough at the (self-imposed) limits to want to get even with him. However, I will increase my stress even more to keep the “peace” and start creating diseases.

Experience has taught me that the only peace that can be safely maintained is the peace that begins at home, within the confines of my own inner self. Once I have created peace within myself by listening to all sides of the internal struggle, and by acknowledging my right to feel all of those ways at once, and finding a solution that calms me down, I know what to do about the situation that is troubling me. So, I’m safe enough to start negotiating with who or whatever my fight was. Making peace with the other person may take a bit of effort, especially if I have a point of view of my own, but it will be long lasting and will begin to build the trust necessary for a compatible relationship.

Paradoxically, this is often the easiest way to work for peace in some respects and the most difficult in others. It’s easy because it doesn’t require anything beyond myself; just mental/emotional work. Difficult because there are many ingrained attitudes, prejudices and assumptions that I must challenge and overcome on the path to inner peace.

The path to peace, inner and outer, is not a direct line with specific steps. It’s full of trial and error, wrong turns, and delicious discoveries. Sometimes talking to myself is all I need, sometimes it helps to talk to a friend or even a therapist. Sometimes the words of a great teacher help. Like “My religion is simple. My religion is kindness” – Dalai Lama. Or “Surely good and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and in the house of the Lord I will dwell forever.” – Psalm 23. Usually my heart knows better than my head where the peaceful path lies.

I have chosen to follow a path of peace, internally and externally. This choice shapes all of my subsequent choices and commits me to a process of self-awareness. To the best of my ability, I make my decisions and check the results with my mind and heart. I’m often wrong, but I’m also right enough times to make my life so much more peaceful; and I’m happy, most of the time. When something makes me unhappy, I can find my way to peace faster than before.

I hope you find this useful in your own way.