My husband says he’s not ready for a reconciliation, now what?

Sometimes I hear from wives who are devastated that their husbands don’t agree to a reconciliation. Sometimes they separate. And other times, they just live separate lives within the same house. Often wives aren’t sure how best to approach this, especially when the two of them seem so far apart, with no middle ground in sight.

I heard from a wife who said, “My husband and I are technically separated, but we still live together because neither of us can afford to have our own place. We had been constantly fighting because of the stress of my sick mother.” I’m more or less the main caretaker for her. Ever since we separated, my husband has been staying in a guest room. We have gotten along well. In fact, sometimes we go out and end up kissing or hugging. Delusions. I feel like we keep getting closer and our marriage keeps getting better. But when I tell this to my husband, he interrupts me and says, very directly, that he’s not ready to reconcile. Every time this happens, he’s feels like a slap in the face. And I start to worry that he might never want to reconcile with me and that he’s just living with me for financial reasons. How am I supposed to handle this? What is the best way to react? when I finally want to find a way to stay married?” I will try to address these concerns in the next article.

I understand where this wife came from. I know how she feels wanting nothing more than for him to take you in her arms and ask you to start over. But I also know that sometimes the more you push him, the more he will resist you. And your goal gets further and further away while you feel helpless. After experimenting and observing this process for some time, I have come to believe that there is a right way and a wrong way to handle this. That is not to say that you will never succeed the wrong way and always succeed the right way. But I think one way has a much better chance of success, which I’ll describe below.

Focus on continuous improvement instead of demanding a decision that you might change anyway:

This is what you have to remember. Just because you don’t want to reconcile today doesn’t mean you never want to. And just because he’s reluctant today, doesn’t mean if you keep making improvements, he won’t change his mind.

Always remember that things can and do change. Because there is a real risk of losing heart and then putting more and more pressure on your husband. I know it’s very tempting to ask questions like, “well, when will you be ready to make up then? I need a time frame.” Or “well, what’s stopping you because you’re being unreasonable?” You may even be somewhat justified in asking these questions.

But pressing it often will cause it to back off. Sometimes he will back off in the relationship. And all those dates and fondling you’ve been doing could come to an end. Isn’t it better to just appreciate the progress you’re seeing? Isn’t it better to have the confidence that you can build on this enough to eventually reconcile? Experience tells me that the answer is yes. And I also feel that there is much less risk and downside to this positive strategy.

The optimal reaction when you are not ready to reconcile:

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t think you need to repeatedly ask him when he’ll be ready to pick up where you left off. However, if you do have this conversation again (or if you choose to bring it up), you might want to say something like, “Well, I’m sure you know I’m disappointed. I really want to reconcile because I still love you and I think our marriage can improve.” enough for both of us to be happy. With that being said, I’m very encouraged and happy with how we’ve been getting along and for now that’s enough for me. I just want us to keep improving and getting closer. I’m confident that one day it will be the right time for us, but until then, I just want to keep having fun with you.”

Keep in mind that this speech tried to keep things hopeful while still being honest. No pressure was applied. Instead, the whole issue was setting the stage for the future. Because the truth is that there were many reasons to hope here. Things were getting a little better every day. They weren’t having fun together and that had been lacking in their marriage. So while the wife was certainly disappointed that her husband didn’t want to reconcile properly this second, I felt strongly that she should focus on continuing to improve the situation and not insist on pushing for a reconciliation. Because, frankly, if things kept getting better, the reconciliation might take care of itself.