Misbehaving Stepparents and Stepchildren: Who’s Really the Problem? Part One

As a stepparent, it is natural to feel some resentment towards your stepchildren. After all, if it weren’t for them, you’d have the perfect relationship, right? Doubtful, but it often makes us feel at least a little bit better. Let’s try something a little more productive now. When your stepchildren misbehave or disrespect you or their parents in some way, what kind of resolution do you get? Does your spouse allow the behavior, handle it himself, expect you to handle it? Does it depend on whether the child is misbehaving to you or to his parents? In the first part, we will discuss how to handle a parent who does not discipline, commonly called a Disney Mom or Dad.

When it comes to a Disney parent, it is very important to remember that children, even if they seem to be the problem, are not really to blame. Really and truly it is the role of a child to misbehave, test limits, and act on impulse. This is how they learn. It is up to those who raise children to enforce the rules, discipline misbehavior, and set limits. If the father is not fulfilling this role, how can the child be blamed? If the child has his way with the behavior, why should he stop? Dealing with this problem is a twofold approach to you, the stepfather. Your first priority is to protect yourself and your own limits. The second is to recognize that this is really the parent’s problem to solve (or ignore), and that you may not be successful in solving this problem yourself.

Just because a child disrespects their parents and gets away with it doesn’t mean they can treat you the same way. Spend a day, a weekend, or a certain amount of time observing what your stepchildren do directly with you. Say nothing, but once you’re alone, spend some time making and prioritizing a list of behaviors that are unacceptable to you. For example, if you cook most of it and can’t get through a meal without your stepchildren complaining, this is a great example of pushing your boundaries. However, if your spouse cooks everything and the kids complain all the time, that’s not something that’s happening directly to you and therefore shouldn’t be on your list.

Then spend some time thinking about your expectations of how you want to be treated and internalize those expectations. Be fair, but be specific. Then you will formulate an action plan. During the next meal, if there is a complaint, let your family know that you are working hard to create a healthy meal for everyone to enjoy as a family, but if no one appreciates your efforts, you will simply stop cooking. If you ask your stepchild to perform a task, or to stop behaving in a certain way and is ignored or received an unpleasant comment, inform the child that you do not allow people to treat you that way, and now you cannot help the child somehow, like taking it somewhere. Be clear with your family that your personal limits relate to what you will accept in the way they treat you, using phrases such as “I don’t allow people to talk to me that way. Please rephrase your question / comment in a respectful tone. “. “Make sure you treat your family with the same respect that you want them to give you. Lastly, don’t dwell on the incident or allow it to escalate into an argument. Leave the room if necessary, change the conversation to something Pleasant or looking for a distraction. Address each problem as it arises and don’t let the altercations of the past cloud your view of the present. Once you’ve handled a situation, let it go.

The second half of your approach is knowing the difference between how your stepchildren treat you and how they act toward your parents. Just as you have determined your own limits, the father has done the same and it is important to accept this, although it can be quite annoying. When children disrespect their parents and parents do nothing, it is the parents’ problem. He is the person ultimately responsible for raising the child, and will do so as he sees fit. If this means that children live without rules, or that discipline is not followed, so be it. You have made sure they respect you, but you cannot force children to respect their parents if he does not enforce it.

Often times, once a stepparent begins to set their own limits, the parents will follow suit. This is especially true when it comes to the stepfather giving up a regular duty that the father must now handle, as in the kitchen example. If the parent is suddenly forced to take over preparing the meals, they may suddenly realize how annoying it is that their kitchen is constantly being insulted and start taking corrective action about respecting the person who cooks the meals. . Also, if the parent must begin to provide you with transportation that you now refuse to provide because you are not respected, you can begin to help enforce the treatment your children give you and respect for what you do for the family. . You may even hear her begin to tell the children to thank her for their contributions to the family.

This does not happen with all parents. Some will still see nothing wrong with how their children behave. In this case, it is better to physically withdraw whenever possible. Get out of the room, run an errand, hit the gym, focus closely on whatever project may be in your hands at the moment. Don’t let your self-talk run rampant about how you would prefer this situation to be handled. Repeat to yourself that this is the parent, and this is how the parent chooses to be treated. Again, don’t allow these events to accumulate in your mind. Practice letting go, so you don’t create resentment towards children who only act the way they are allowed to. Don’t take responsibility for handling all discipline; that will only make you the bad boy, so the father will never have to be held accountable for his inaction.

Finally, as I tell all my clients, pay attention to where your resentment lies. Are you allowing your discomfort with the whole situation of being in a reconstituted family to cause these feelings? If you can step off stage for a moment and determine if your stepchildren are acting like normal children, or if they are acting like monsters, it will help you to recognize whether your own feelings are the product of internal or external factors. If you are internal, then it may be time to consider coaching or counseling to deal with your internal turmoil and move on.