Matters 101 – Sexual affairs and infidelities

Sexual issues are the most commonly recognized issues. In his book You, him and the other woman, Paul Coleman, PsyD, suggests that while purely sexual affairs can be truly “heartbreaking,” they are usually less complicated to deal with compared to emotional affairs or sexual-emotional affairs. Although popular thinking claims that men are more likely to have sex, it is a misconception. Women are just as capable of having sex as men.

Whether it’s a one-night stand or a long-term affair, sexual affairs are usually born out of a desire for sexual gratification, but they can occur for any number of reasons. Some who are caught cheating claim they had a “weak moment,” which can include being under the influence of drugs and alcohol. An engaged man may sleep with her ex-girlfriend just to make sure he “doesn’t have feelings for her yet” while he prepares to marry her current fiancée. Sometimes the chemistry is there, and a woman may think it’s safe to have a “just once” secret fling to see how good she would be.

The reasons continue. An otherwise faithful spouse experiences the “seven-year itch” when sex at home becomes stale and predictive. A newlywed couple may feel like the newness of their relationship has worn off during the first year of marriage, with both of them drifting off course because they feel “stuck.” A common stress in marriages, the birth of the first baby, can also stimulate infidelity. Couples have been known to experience estrangement from each other as family dynamics change. Watching his wife give birth can create a loss of the husband’s sexual attraction to his wife. Or the still-in-love husband may feel closer and more aroused by his wife, but he discovers that she is no longer interested in sex. To meet her needs, he discreetly meets them elsewhere.

Despite cheating on you (possibly without a condom), your cheating boyfriend will beg you tooth and nail to forgive him, trying to convince you that you are the one for him. “She meant nothing to me. I never loved her,” he will say. “She was just sex. She was just sex. You’re the one I want. I love you more than anything and you mean the world to me.” Unfortunately, these words do not ensure the stinging pain of discovery once you find out all he has done to hide the matter from your knowledge. Those actions drove an invisible wedge into the intimacy of their relationship long before she knew the truth, erasing her trust in him.

While sexual intercourse can also include online infidelity, cybersex, phone sex, and pornography use, for now we will say that sexual involvement with anyone other than the boyfriend’s engaged spouse can be considered sexual infidelity, especially if the person takes preventive measures. cheater to keep her activities a secret.

Signs of a sexual relationship include:

• New use of prescription or over-the-counter sexual aids, such as Viagra.
• New and unexplained use of birth control or condoms.
• Discovery or loss of clothing, such as another woman’s clothing in your glove compartment, or your favorite T-shirt missing from the laundry.
• Unexplained concealment of clothing or sudden interest in doing laundry
• Mysterious stains or odors on clothing and underwear (lipstick on the collar, vaginal odor in underwear).
• Uncounted time and disappearing acts. For example, going to the store for a simple item and taking more than an hour to return.
• A sudden change in sexual desire where your lover’s normal sexual desire increases or decreases beyond normal.
• Sudden changes in sexual behavior. New interests in different sexual experiences.
• Unexpectedly renewed interest in physical appearance. Example: A woman who is slightly overweight or out of shape can start a diet and exercise, and get a makeover.
• Showering excessively, especially as soon as you get home.
• The partner is not as accessible during certain times of the day, such as when he is supposed to be at work.
• Working overtime – but you never see the extra money.
• Random character changes, specifically making the person more introverted, quiet, and reserved.
• Intuition: that “gut feeling” that something is wrong. You don’t know how, but you do.
• Not being able to maintain/sustain an erection. Ejaculation disorder.
• Being “too tired” to have sex with you.
• Accuse you of cheating.

Can sexual infidelity be forgiven? Should I take it back?

Any infidelity can be forgiven. Forgiveness is for the one who forgives, not for the forgiven, and it is essential to survive infidelity.

Whether or not you should accept a cheater depends on whether or not you feel you will be able to trust your cheating husband/wife again, among other things. You will need to know whether or not the events were part of a larger problem within the relationship, or simply part of her potentially unfaithful nature. Was this one-night stand the first and only time you got cheated on, or did you have lingering suspicions and this is the first time you caught them? Is your husband often trustworthy, patiently waiting for that “headache” or “lockjaw” of his to go away, then giving up in a moment of weakness after a long sexual drought? Does your wife or girlfriend feel entitled to have someone else finish the job you started if you can’t? Does your partner feel entitled to seek sexual satisfaction at any cost, regardless of her feelings?

It’s safe to say that, in the grand scheme of things, one of the biggest indicators of whether or not a relationship can be salvaged depends on the cheater’s attempt at damage control. A truly remorseful cheater will not only ask for forgiveness, but will be open to almost anything you need to show that he is sorry for the pain he has caused. Whether that means a loss of liberties, lengthy counseling sessions, or buying you a new car (it did), a person who truly cares will put her ego aside. On the other hand, someone who feels justified in her behavior is more likely to deflect blame or deny being entirely at fault. They may be quite comfortable with the bed they’ve made whether you stay or go. If you stay, they will most likely feel that you accept their behavior and things won’t change.

These thoughts also do not take into account additional factors, such as children, lifestyle, religious beliefs, moral values, etc. Therefore, at the end of the day, you need to analyze your relationship to see what will work best for you.

FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: Due to the nature of sexual intercourse, it will also be best to get tested right away for any and all STDs, including AIDS. Your partner may or may not have had protection, putting you at risk. Get tested regularly and immediately resume using condoms, contraceptives, and other sexual protection if you decide to sleep with this person again.