Becoming a mother and the transition to motherhood

The transition to motherhood is a profound step in a woman’s life. One day she’s “just a woman,” and literally overnight, whether she gives birth or adopts, she becomes someone’s mother. She enters this new territory with a concept of what “mother” means based on her own childhood, the perceived expectations of others, and the media. For nine months, the pregnant woman begins to “play” with the idea of ​​what it will be like when the baby arrives. She imagines what she will be like as a mother, perhaps idealizing herself a bit. She uses that she will not make the mistakes that she sees others make.

Then comes the initiation – the birth. Adoptive mothers also experience a moment of truth when the baby is in her arms and she is now a “mother.”

Suddenly, the marriage also changes. There is that other person, the parent or partner going through their own internal identity crisis. Both living under the same roof, sometimes having conflicting ideas of what to do from minute to minute. During the baby’s first night home, reality hits. Just as our new mother is falling asleep, still exhausted and recovering from childbirth, the baby cries. “Do I really have to get up now?” the new mom wonders.

the Updown

Of course, having a baby is a time of joy and celebration. But there is also some loss involved. The new mom has lost her old self and she may lack confidence in her new role. The word “freedom” takes on a new meaning and is longed for. Unless she has someone to watch her new pack while she goes out, she finds that she can’t just walk out the door like she used to. There’s no such thing as “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to the corner” anymore. Now, walking out the door has become a big production. She packs the diaper bag, wraps the baby. . . Oh, she waits, she changes the diaper first, now she wraps the baby. She drags the stroller up the stairs… “Is it worth going out?” She decides not to. What happened to that productive woman? She could run three errands in less than an hour, finish a work project, cook dinner, and clean the bathroom. She is now a little bewildered and disorganized, which is not a comfortable feeling for most new moms.

Although becoming a mother is instant, it is actually a process. The new mom is tested to her limits and beyond. She sometimes gets it right and is overjoyed, and other times she gets it completely wrong (but hopefully she can laugh at herself, along with the baby).

The haves and the have-nots

In the early days, she is anxious to hear her son call “Mommy!”, but after a few years she wants to run away if she hears “MOM” one more time! Suddenly, all the kids in the department store calling “mom” sound like their own. Now, there is a new divide between our new mom and her friends with no kids of hers. There’s a bit of tension in the air as the have-not makes all sorts of great suggestions. When the mother tries to explain that motherhood also has a negative side, the “without” adamantly refuses to believe it. Mom may be tired, exhausted, and a little depressed, but her friend with no children of hers will say, “You should thank your lucky star that you have been blessed with such a beautiful child.” And yes, she does it every day, but sometimes she secretly hates it and wonders, “What was I thinking?”, unable to share those thoughts with anyone but another mom. She now begins the induction to the moms club.

To know how you feel

I recently had a conversation with my son who is learning to drive. When he was young and sitting in the backseat, he would chat and I would miss most of what he was saying because my attention was on the crazy streets of Brooklyn, trying to keep us safe and alive. He always complained, “You didn’t hear anything I said”, and I tried to explain to him; but he pouted and refused to repeat a word. Now learning to drive, he was getting tense and I couldn’t resist saying, “Now you see why I never heard what you were saying while he was driving.” “Well, yes, but you could have explained it to me,” he protested. My answer? “I tried, but now that you’re driving, you can really understand.” So it is with friends who don’t have children. Unless you’re facing what our new mom has to face, you really can’t imagine how difficult it is.

What is normal, what is not

The transition to motherhood is also sometimes a long and arduous process, especially if support is not available. Regardless of expectations, the new dad probably won’t measure up to mom’s standards. Regardless of what parents thought parenthood was going to be like, the demands are often much greater than they ever imagined. It is only over time that she begins to believe that she is a good mother and begins to form an identity of really being one, really.

It’s important to spot the warning signs early and seek professional help before things get worse. New mothers get together, but sometimes it’s hard to find kindred souls. Sometimes when she meets them, a mother’s experiences don’t feel the same as theirs and she may feel isolated in her feelings. If there is excessive crying, more fighting with your partner, or a feeling of detachment from the baby, seek help. Don’t let these normal difficulties get out of control by not seeking supportive advice. Sometimes couples therapy is also helpful at this time. Discuss your problems with a trusted friend and try to get a referral to a therapist who is sensitive to what you’re going through. Also, making connections with other moms is important throughout your child’s growing years. Try to make those connections and retain them.

Be easy on yourself!

Finally, give yourself some slack. Perfectionism does not work with motherhood. We may have wished our own mothers were different, but now we are seeing that it is not so easy after all. Be kind to yourself as you learn to be a mother, and forgive, forgive, forgive.