Are manners and etiquette the same?

I am not a writer of etiquette. Well, at least I try not to be. I am a writer and student of elegance. However, in my study of elegant living and authoring my books, I have to deal with etiquette and manners.

I hope to get this out once and for all. Etiquette and manners are not the same. They are two different things. While having good manners is at the root of etiquette, having etiquette may just be a mask for manners.

Let me try to explain. Manners are politeness, while etiquette is simply an organized way of doing things. Etiquette is born from manners, whose intentions are to develop an organized and orderly system of doing things, considering how those actions can affect others.

So it is possible for someone to have etiquette but no royal manners. Like someone can do and say all the right things, but you feel that there is something that is not quite right. It is like a facade.

For example, why is it “etiquette” to stand to the left (or right, depending on where you’re from) on an escalator? This is so that someone else in a hurry can get on their merry way quickly without disturbing anyone else. If you don’t think about others and stand where you want, the other person won’t be able to quickly get off the escalator.

Slowly, a system develops. We are simply taught to stand to the left of the escalator. If we never took a second to think about why everyone moves to the corner of an escalator, then we would have etiquette, not manners.

The “thinking of others” part is manners. The social behavior of going to a corner is etiquette. So I hope this illustrates why an educated person may have etiquette but not manners.

Ideally, we should have good manners and etiquette. Manners are rooted in kindness. Once you’re kind, caring, and considerate of others, you won’t have to memorize the rules of etiquette. That’s in general terms, of course. We should make an effort to learn about the general etiquette or the etiquette of another culture, especially if we have friends from other places. This is especially useful if you have to work in another country or when you travel.

Is it possible to have manners but no etiquette? Of course.

As wonderful as we like to think we are, we have different ways of being reflective. We also have different ways of interpreting kindness and consideration. If we offer our seat to an elderly person, we are acting with kindness. If the older person takes it the wrong way and thinks you are labeling him old, then our actions in his mind are not out of kindness.

This is most evident in culture. Each culture has developed its own social behavior and therefore its etiquette.

Another example is learning the gastronomic etiquette of various cuisines. You may have the best heart in the world but offend a hostess by pouring the wrong sauce on your food. Or give the wrong gift. For example, in some Asian cultures, gifting watches is akin to ‘wishing them dead’ or shoes ‘to say your relationship or marriage won’t last’.

When visiting homes, in some places it is polite to offer to do the dishes, and in others, helping with the dishes is an intrusion on privacy. This is all etiquette, not manners.

manners first, etiquette second

So how do you approach life with manners and etiquette? You can ask. Should I go buy the biggest and thickest etiquette book?

I think the best way is to quickly browse the internet or general etiquette books whenever you’re not sure about something. In that way, you are acting out of kindness. Don’t worry, though, if you can’t remember everything. I’ll be the first to admit that etiquette books are intimidating. Anything you don’t know, ask nicely and privately if you can. Most of the time, it would be appreciated.